by Ms. Jennifer

Can’t sleep.  It’s been awhile since I woke up in the middle of the night with my brain swirling. Yesterday with exactly 15 minutes notice before the caregiver was to arrive here, the agency that had been helping me with my dad for almost two years told me they are discontinuing services. Uh? I contacted the VA who had been paying their bills and told them what happened, they were unmoved.  Anyone who has dealt with a newborn understands what it’s like when another five minutes feels like five hours while waiting for the troops to arrive.  

I feel abandoned. The only good news is my dad’s dementia has progress to the point he often doesn’t even bother to pull out his penis and piss on the floor anymore, he just shits and pisses in his “Depends.” Although yesterday he surprised me and I stepped in his piss.  

This is the backdrop of dating later in life.  When I see how my dad is, not that I’m ready to go yet, but it makes an early death seem a little more reasonable.  Now, perhaps I’m sounding a tad bit depressed.  I’m not really.  In fact, I’m making more and more peace with living alone (with my dad and dog), both because it increasingly feels inevitable and because I would rather be alone than “settle.” 

I refused to get excited despite the hours and hours of phone time I had with Joey this week.  The words were perfect “he wants to find one more love.”   “A goddess that he can adore” and he’s so secure in his masculinity that he can deal with a woman who is dominate.  Okay, I’m down for some yoni (pussy) worshiping. But for someone wanting me to take control, when we met, he definitely controlled the pace.  And it was, not surprisingly, fast.  He had opened up and shared a lot with me and most men won’t get that vulnerable that quickly.  

And, unlike the guy I met a couple nights ago who said he could dance, Joey could really dance.  It’s hard for me to find someone I can’t keep up with, but I was in over my head with Joey. So, I’d finally met a guy who can dance and wants to worship my pussy, so exactly what is the problem?

Well, how about four glasses of Scotch (and he mentioned drinking a beer at home before we met).  I had one shitty margarita (note to self: only order at a Mexican restaurant).  He ordered a drink when I went to the bathroom and was it his fourth or fifth when he asked me if he should order another one.

When we first met (after sharing much intimacy over the phone while he was on the road working) it was awkward. I was sitting at a table and he asked if we could move to the bar and he knew the bartender by  name.  But the more he drank the bolder he became.  Because we had shared a lot before meeting, I guess he felt like he knew me.  That familiarity lead to his running his hands over my bare legs, his finger creeping up my thigh and kissing me in front of everyone on the dance floor.

That’s the other thing he said he likes to “show off,” but that was obvious.  I know that feeling of my partner’s energy going out.  Hard to explain, but suddenly we aren’t just dancing together, but everyone else is dancing with us. And despite it being really sexy at times, I also felt we were on display. What’s wrong with that exactly?  Aren’t I the one complaining that men don’t look at me anymore?  When we dance everyone in that room was looking at us so what was my problem exactly?  Because we danced when he wanted to dance, when the song was just right, because he was dancing for his audience/fan club.  When he was done, we were done. Then he asked me to drive him home.

“You can park over there.” he said pointing to an empty spot in front of his apartment.  This didn’t exactly surprise me he had been steering at me at the bar and it wasn’t hard to figure out what he wanted.

“I’m not coming in.”

I don’t think he could believe that was my reply. Things had been going so well of course I was ready to make love with him. And this is not unlike the dance I have been doing with Jimmy who is also ready to fuck after meeting once.  His sales pitch is different, however, because he’s crystal clear that’s all he wants to do (in a respectful way).  He’s so clear about his boundaries that he won’t come to my house because making out or a massage is not what he’s after and he won’t walk on the levee because we ain’t “holding hands and getting all romantic.”  So we are meeting later today at a coffee shop. I told him I would shake his hand and if anyone saw anything remotely romantic going on he could pull my pants down and spank me.  He told me it “will not be my hand on you if you pull your pants down.”   lol   But the crazy thing with Jimmy is he’s kinda acting like a boyfriend (texting/calling most nights) and sincerely trying to find a way to have this work for both of us.  I like that about him…his honesty.  

Jimmy needs me to keep my head on straight and I need to figure out if I can do a regular fuck session with the dude without getting attached.  And Joey wants me to be his girlfriend, but what do I want?   How am I going to tell Joey I mean no disrespect, but I think his drinking is a problem.  I’ve had 100 percent my share of alcoholics for a life time…. including future reincarnations.  I’m so paranoid about it that I can’t see myself dating Joey, plus I have to confess I’m not super attracted to him which is so fucking unfortunate (or maybe its a good thing?).  I’m not sure we can transition to “let’s be friends,” beside he’ll stop dancing with me because there are a lot of better dancers out there than me when it comes to the swing dance world.  

Today is a double header (and why I should be sleeping). I told Jimmy I needed more face to face time to see if I want to make him my FWB. Why do men expect you to know after you see them once if you want to have sex?  Maybe it’s the same thing men go through when woman want to know after the first date if they want to marry them!  But I don’t do that to men and I don’t want them doing that shit to me. 

After Joey, I’m meeting Johnny.  Johnny looks promising.  He’s attentive, but doesn’t overly disclose and he wants more than a regular fuck buddy, but as we know at this juncture the plan is to not get excessively excited.  I don’t know if I’ve changed, but I feel something has shifted like I don’t care so much about finding a boyfriend.  Maybe I can just keep entertaining myself by going on lots of first dates without any expectation about a second date.  Maybe I will get over the idea of finding the “one.”  Maybe I will someday find a lover, but I’m not nearly as eager as most of the men I’m meeting to hop into bed. I may want the cock, but I can also live without it.