Higher Love. Do we need romance to be fulfilled?

Cafe Terrace at Night, Vincent Van Gogh Artist

by Hilary Bowring, Contributing Editor

A societal myth…… or does it go deeper?

The western culture societal model of marriage goes back in part to the story of Noah’s ark where the animals went in two by two.  This image has been deeply imprinted on our psychology and subconscious expectations and desires.

In the early days of human development, the two by two, male and female would have made absolute sense as in the hunter gatherer period males went out to hunt and women stayed home as nurturers. Monogamy reigned for the successful survival of the species; we pair bonded to protect our babies. Despite the individual variations the coupling idea remains and is enforced to some degree in modern times. Polyamory is not widely enjoyed…maybe stigmatized by this biblical paradigm.

Do we even need a relationship? Many single people signal that we don’t need a romantic relationship to have happy progressive lives, yet that inner yearning for connection persists….

And now science suggests we do have a need to bond with another. Our brains show we’re wired to connect, those neurones are in the limbic part of the brain which is all about survival. On that same note behavioural science shows attachment in adults is very similar to the relationship between a mother and baby, the eye contact and physical need for connection. Cuddles matter. In conclusion it seems our wiring is to have attachment and the comfort of another– as social creatures we bond for our survival and maybe to feel emotionally and spiritually complete. Eastern philosophy says we are born into a ‘separation story’ and life is an opportunity to reconnect with the divine in us and in everything during our physical experience. As we evolve the need to connect extends beyond survival it is about being part of One consciousness. We are fractals of the one divine light and when we live in recognition of that we are at ease and reassured and accountable for each other.

Bonding

We are spirits having a physical experience now science posits that a ‘Secure Bond ‘improves our physical and mental health. In fact, the Harvard “Happiness study” running for over 85 years indicates the importance of human connection for well-being and balance. Thus, a loving relationship creating a powerful loving bond is worth striving for, whether a romantic relationship or friendship or Loving community. The bond is not only found in romantic relationships there is a broader way to find the connection and trust we seek. And as we evolve and accept more gender fluidity the Noah’s ark paradigm might include same sex couples.

Ways to develop a bond with another human being

  • The bond starts with us being at ease with ourselves enough to open to another human being at a deep level of honesty that can lead to trust and reliance. It begins with one of us making the intimacy move.
  • Security at core is acceptance of our range of human frailties and differences. The bond weakens when we don’t know how to resolve our emotional needs and patterns and generally, we have received no teaching on the importance of conversations intending equanimity, yet alone language. Science shows ‘rejection’ and‘criticism ‘light up the pain centres in the brain. It’s very painful to be criticised by a spouse/partner/close friend. Bonding increases when we can learn to accept our differences, let go of many of them and give each other more freedom.
  • The bond is strengthened slightly differently between the sexes: – Feminine skewed people often need the reassurance that their needs matter to their spouse/partner/friend, as often they are expected to be the ‘Giver’ by cultural norms. Masculine encoded people often need ‘Respect and Approval’ as suggested by the culture to be considered viable. Sensing individual desires and nuances takes time to discover and respect. The journey into the forest of human intimacy is never one straight path.
  • Communication is vital. In particular to reassure each other of commitment through thick and thin as there are bound to be irritations on our journey together. Avoiding the damaging weapons of fear and threats, that are devastating and destructive.
  • Sex is important as a transformational energy, especially when combined with emotional connection. Showing our softer feelings creates a safe bond in sex as well. Make-up sex is a wonderful healing beyond words.
  • Loving thoughts are very positive. Our thoughts change our chemistry. Transmitting Love releases the feel-good hormones: dopamine and oxytocin! The power of Love is little discussed today with the constant focus on stress hormones—Yet Love is the antidote!
  • Love builds Secure Attachment- Many people don’t voice their needs for fear of rejection—can’t say ‘please hug me’ or ‘please forgive me’. When language isn’t possible. Focus on your heart and send love into the space between you and your partner. Even in an argument this helps everyone calm dow
  • We need to learn to go underneath the words. Sometimes words keep us apart and in our heads. Even if one person can speak words of vulnerability, the other might not be able to receive words. Fill the space between with love, it starts to build trust.
  • Secure bonding can be diminished and distorted if there has been abuse and parental rejection in childhood. People can turn to attachment substitutes like drugs and alcohol, sexual addiction etc. which creates major problems in relationships that surprisingly have an upside to rapid transformation and can become soul journeys with potential to return to trust and love in ourselves. Rather than saving the other. Through the process of acceptance, scrupulous honesty and creation of healthy boundaries. Addiction is a perilous journey of potential spiritual acceleration with death in the shadows. Higher Love is creating a bond at a Soul level.

 Higher love is more soul connected. A relationship allowing each partner to be their Soul Self. This includes an orientation of service, each helping the other to be the best they can be in this human expression.

-Comes from taking the highest level of our perception, seeing the divine essence in each other. Assumes high motives are behind each other’s behaviour. Soul generated motives are to help us move through patterns, strife and challenging times usually present transformational possibilities. No blame, no resentment from this perspective.

Accentuating the positive-Casting a blind eye to the things we don’t like or agree on. Focussing on the negative leads to repetition of more of the same.

Allow emotional expression to run as part of being human. We sometimes need to vent in a safe place as trapped emotions foster resentments and illness. A safe place for release is a gift to give each other.

Commitment: There needs to be sustained commitment to relationships, we

 need to be devoted to staying the course whenever possible and engage in difficult conversation. Staring into each other’s eyes and being open to admit fault sometimes.

Developing a Soul bond means to focus on our hearts. The Seat of the Soul is in our hearts, and in situations ask, “What would Love do here?” and wait for guidance. Our culture is very much about the power of the mind and can lead to being over analytical. Here’s a meditation to bring our Mind into our Heart.

Mind into Heart meditation