Inquiry: Estrangement II – Relating

Credit: The Hermit. Tarot Card.

by Hilary Bowring, Contributing Editor

This series seeks to understand some of the differing faces of estrangement and the crossroads it approaches for good or ill.

The Outsider Disquiet – no longer relating to a person, a group or a situation.

 I think it is probably normal to feel like this at certain times and very acutely at key junctions in life and for some it can be a lifelong feeling of not belonging anywhere.

I remember coming in contact with a channeler that was a leper, in another lifetime, who remembered feeling so ostracised from the community that if a soldier spat on him it was something he cherished. Made him feel part of…

We are born into a separation story, we were pushed out into the world from the comfort of our mother’s womb and so began the journey back to feeling at Oneness inside ourselves, no longer separate and alone. And we often seek this feeling to be consummate in our intimate relationships

I feel closeness and trust with You

I feel our values are like a cement that binds us together

I feel comfortable and safe

In our love bubble

Perfectly in tune

Then I feel a wobble

Like a shifting sand between us

You begin to move somewhere else mentally

I find it difficult to relate

You solidify your position

Not the same as mine

I try to listen and be open to your different ideas

I try to understand why you adhere to views that push me away

Who knows and loves your spirit

Entranced by our shared visions

How in tune we seem

And then it changed

Like a boat changing direction at the lighthouse

We couldn’t agree on due North anymore

I felt like a stranger with you

For our own survival we separated

And followed what we believed to be true

Then a question arose

If one of us became shipwrecked

How would the other feel?

Estranged and yet Not?

Our values separated by major chasms of difference


And yet if you were shipwrecked

I’d want to search for you and save you



We are all somewhat used to hearing about people being estranged from their spouses and the divorce that follows. And the usual answer to the question why?…. is incompatibility.

This is the bleat of humanity. We love each other and yet sometimes the switch can flip. The same people who were once so in love and inseparable, one wonders what created this radical change inside the partnership. I think it’s because when we no longer feel supported and understood; trust dies, and estrangement moves in.

No quick answers every situation is different but many times we are dealing with a separation pattern formed well before the marriage that has not healed. The intense intimacy in a relationship can provide the possibility of healing the old pattern but until people contemplate that it’s something inside me contributing to this breakdown, they will marry a very similar person again. Doomed to fail unless the awakening quickens.

Spiritual Perspective as Ally

We seek love and intimacy with another to fill the isolation hole inside. Yet there’s something else going on in these close relationships. We are on soul journeys for our mutual growth and there can be painful break-ups and estrangements carrying lessons for us to learn. Underneath the drama and apparent divide, love continues for each other as our Soul selves. If we connect more fully with our souls we have the capacity for unconditional love at a conscious level in this lifetime. To understand we are part of the One Consciousness with ability to move beyond the binary set up, see how difficulties are freeing us from repetitive limiting behaviours that no longer serve us and are actually deepening our understanding of humanity. If we can make this shift in the midst of human dilemma, it is possible to be compassionate even with our enemies.  And not drop into the isolation of estrangement.

In this perspective we see estrangement as an ally alerting us to what needs healing inside us. Also, estrangement can be a positive junction stirring us to move onto to a new chapter in life, find a new connection to our heart self. It can mark the end of a soul contract when we grow beyond the limiting beliefs and patterns and the charge that kept us in the same boat with our partner, close friend or family member. Leaving a dysfunctional situation is a road to greater freedom. And leaving with Love and Thanks is true liberation. Recognising we have completed our soul journey with another with Grace.

Vibrational perspective

Despite our apparent solid state we are energy vibrating right down to our cells, Everything is in a state of vibration from the electrons moving around in the nucleus of an atom to planets in distant galaxies moving around their suns. This vibration can be conceived as sound, even though all sound isn’t audible to the human ear.” Jonathon Goldman says, “our entire body is like a wonderful orchestra with every organ, every bone, every tissue playing a different sound, a different frequency. What do we say when we are feeling good and healthy? ‘We’re in sound health’.

If a part of our body is not vibrating in its normal, healthy, resonant frequency we are in dis-ease. We need a smooth free flowing vibe to be physically healthy.

I would say this is true in relationship health as well as physical health. We often say things were going quite smoothly until……

We seek resonance and where there is dissonance we try to get back into harmony and flow. There’s a charge with dissonance and by our speech, thoughts and actions we can clear the charge. Eventually with certain people there is no longer any charge so we are at ease again and move onto the next challenge.  It is probable that past karma comes with a charge, the desire to complete karma can create a sense of being driven to absolve a debt and once completed we feel at ease. Other times there is a prolonged friction of negativity and we have to discharge that. It’s good to keep checking in with our body for stuck energy which we can release with sound.

  • Healing

Quantum sound and healing. There are new modalities gaining attention and Sound Healing is one. We can heal using our own voice! For instance we can OM through our bodies with the intention of healing. OM the primordial sound of creation is very powerful. When we ‘sound with intention’ we can discharge stuck energy. The body seeks resonance so when we OM with the intention of healing, the tangled area tries to vibrate with the clearer vibration to become smooth and flowing, and the blocked energy is released. Think about the person or the situation ask your body where the estranged feeling is located then focus on the place where you feel tightness or pain, then sound OM 3 times into the area. Do this every day until the discomfort goes. We don’t even have to focus on the story that made us feel separate and estranged. A quantum release occurs with sound healing.  (

  • Forgiveness Meditation

Meditation can help us dissolve some of the old stuck hurts inside. A big obstacle to moving on with grace is that we are still hurting from feeling rejected, pushed away, ignored. One of the most powerful healing practices is forgiveness. For giving of love and understanding. Try this Forgiveness Meditation.