by L J Frank

This is Bona-Fide Bank. Can we help you.

May I have the Accounts Department?

 Please hold and I will transfer you.

Call transferred.

This is the Accounts Department. (indiscernible thick accent)

I received a text message from you that said I needed to call you as there was an urgent impending issue with my checking account.

Please give me your full name, account number and or the last four digits of your Social Security number and the reason for your call.

What? My name is Pangloss. I am calling because I received a text message about an urgent impending issue concerning my checking account.

Interesting that you called. I hope you’re having a good day.

Thank you. What’s the urgent impending issue with my checking account?

I’m sorry we have no one with that name having a current account with us. Please give me the information again so I can recheck.

Is this the bank’s Foreign Call Center?

Foreign? Sir, we all live and work on the same planet.

I didn’t say or imply you were an extraterrestrial or have a Call Center on Mars. I realize it’s cost effective to have a Call Centers in other countries. Cheaper labor, but…

Please hold.

Call transferred.

This is your Bank Representative.

Thank you.

May I ask if there’s anything we can help you with?

I’m calling because someone in the Accounts Department sent me a text message to call. Something about an urgent impending issue concerning my checking account, along with the added words, you have our sympathy. 

Who sent the text to you?

Your department.

I see. Please hold.

Silence.

Call transferred.

Hello. My name is Cunégonde, Assistant Vice-President. To whom am I speaking?  Please state your full name, account number, the last four digits of your Social Security number and the reason for your call.

My name is Pangloss. I was named after a character in the novel Candide.

As my name is. We have something in common.  I hope you agree with the idea that this is the best of all possible worlds. 

Fascinating.

And so now we must uncover your concerns.

I believe you have all the information necessary in front of you.

Of course. Well, as a matter of fact, Pangloss, we do have the information you gave us and the text message sent to you. And there is an urgent impending issue we wanted to bring it to your attention.

May I ask what the urgent impending issue is?

Of course, you may.

Well?

Well, Pangloss, the issue is that the name, account number and Social Security number is that of a person, namely you Pangloss, who has a UIC or Urgent Impending Predicament.

What do you mean? What kind of urgent impending predicament?

Well, it’s either your impending death or divorce or both.

What? My death and or divorce from whom?

Well, that is odd sounding I know.

I’m confused.

Perfectly understandable. The date listed is the day you either will die, and or will be served divorce papers or potentially both. It’s exactly ten days from now. And we have a policy of placing a hold on all accounts within ten business days of an urgent impending predictament such as death and or the serving of divorce papers.

Who gave you my death or divorce notification about me? And who gave you that authority?

We have a highly skilled executive technology team that includes an Actuary and AI futurist. The technology team excels at predicting near future events to the precise day and the reason.

Seriously?

You were forewarned in the fine print of the bank deposit documents you signed. If I were you, it would be best to stay calm. Pangloss, enjoy the time you have remaining. The next ten business days should be fluid. We assume you have made plans for which ever happens.

How would I know? Why would I…?

Sorry, our notification was simply that we wanted to let you know that we also know about your lifestyle, diet, behavioral risks, and family history and are prepared for the consequence.

Consequence?

Please appreciate our position Pangloss, and that everything is on hold until that day. You have our sincere best wishes. If you need, just in case, the names of reputable divorce lawyers and or funeral directors, we will be happy to share that information with you. Thank you for your business. God be with you.

What if I’m still alive after ten days…and regardless of my marital status?

Oh please. Self-awareness Pangloss. Be at peace with yourself and your very human nature.