by Sue DeGregorio-Rosen, RN, CLNC, Contributing Editor

Single.

It’s a state or condition of being – without borders. It requires no certificate or passport. I remained in that state for quite some time. Wild oats to sow! I was on the lookout.  I had my friends, a lover when in need. Thought that was enough.

Love, like, and sex? There I was, out there looking for love, or like, or sex or whatever…………a connection. Something different. Transparent, immediate, sensual, without a lot of work. A natural state of being.

One evening when I was walking toward the ocean I encountered a breeze, a salty, sultry mist caressed my skin. The sensual. Warm and humid.  A mist that leads me to promises, intimate and passionate. It sounds romantic. One never knows for sure until the experience happens. I hungered.

 I worked as a project manager and traveled all over the country, working side by side with remarkable and fascinating individuals. It was exciting when I was assigned to a certain project where I might already know someone.

As I walked in, I stumbled and caught myself staring at him. I knew him.  We had met before. I get tired of adjectives. But he possessed that which a film director would cast as a lead in a picture. He was from central casting.  A character requiring dash, boldness, and humility. He was also hot from my vantage point.

He was to work with me, as my legal consultant.  In just a matter of time I told myself. We met for coffee twice a day to comb over the events that would follow accordingly.  And soon it became the afterwork drinks. Sometimes fumbling for words and other times long stimulating discussions. Late night dinners and intimate conversations followed. But it was never only that.

I found myself fantasizing about him when I would go home, alone at night. I knew where this was going. We both knew. Our bodies would touch, we text each other just to say hi. I wondered if he fantasized about me. What would his fantasy look like? Were we naked, between the sheets……. or would he?  I woke up. My skin was wet.

I’m single, without borders. He was married, he had a certificate indicating that he lived in one state of being within borders. Reality is another matter.

What we both wanted to happen, happened.  One day, in a stairway, he drew me so close to him that I could not resist the moment, and I kissed him. His kisses were warm and delicious. And although I felt somewhat confused. Was I going to have an affair with a married man? Legally, adultery means sexual intercourse. Oral sex is another matter. It’s not adultery. But we wanted both. Technicalities.

 Hot sex in the stairway didn’t count.  It didn’t count when he lifted me up, and pulled my panties down, my skirt hiked and unzipped his pants. We were just fucking.  I wouldn’t be sleeping with him. I was confident. That would be the game changer.

We fucked wherever we could, closets, elevators………. his desk, but never his bed or mine.

He asked…. I politely refused.  We had every opportunity to do so, him being away from home, both of us with separate hotel suites available.

He asked me …….and so I told him with rigorous honesty to accept that offer I would be settling. And if I slept with him, we would become a “thing”.  I wasn’t ok with that. I rationalize. My mind was playing games.

Well, why was I fucking someone who is married?  It was a simple question, to which I gave a simple answer.  There was nothing moralistic about it on my part. Whereas, sleeping with him would make a statement, and I wanted something that was mutual, that could freely commit to me.  Seriously?

Much of the male species likes to be or feel in control…it’s learned and natural depending on culture and history………. he was persistent in his quest to have me as his mistress.

It took a lot of self-control to say no.  The sex was great, he was fun and enticing…………but married.  I really liked him, but I wanted me to be able to tell the world that I had someone who was free to be with me, to sleep the night with me, to love me. Am I territorial? *

It didn’t end right away, we played like we were playing strip poker until one of us would fold. Our work together came to an end and so did our little tryst.

 I knew then that saying no was worth it………. he was unavailable,

and now, so am.