Why…

by Sue DeGregorio-Rosen RN, CLNC. Contributing Editor

Wish I could say you were easy to be with…….. I knew when I no longer felt safe in your arms. I wasn’t sure I knew what safe was or is any longer.  Did you know that?

There was a time I believed I gave so much of myself to you, but it became painful when we were together. Your kisses were quick…….your lovemaking was rough and all about you.  Did you hurt like I did?

Did you wonder where I had been when I came through the door, looking flushed and somewhat uneasy?  I did.  I knew, regardless of what I may have said.  I knew there was another.  I saw you with her, as I stepped behind that wall and watched you press your body to hers. Such an intimate moment…. There are no words. Life is not a one or two-lane paved highway.

Did you question me, when suddenly I would switch off and bury myself into something or someone other than you?  I would try to seduce you, looking all sexy, dropping my towel, leaving myself naked for you….  until I stopped trying. What a wicked game to play, as the song goes……….to make me feel this way.

And when I didn’t know how to accept our situation, did you feel it?

I came to terms with “us”, and yet I stayed.  I stayed because I loved you.  I wasn’t ready to move on, I loved you…….and then I loved him.

I really loved him, and he loved me back.  Did you know that?

I met him on a walk.  He was handsome and friendly.  He asked if he could walk with me.  He held my hand; he was sweet and he took his time.

I ask you because I want to know if it mattered, or if I mattered.  The nights I spent alone, waiting for you to come home were long.  Were they the same for you?  Did you ever feel alone, when I didn’t come home that first night for the very first time?

Did you wonder or care where I was?  I called, I told you I would be spending the night with a friend, and never once did you question the details I so carelessly put together.

The first time with him, I thought of you.  I wondered if it was wrong to do, I wondered if I was wrong.  He was so attentive to me and then to every part of me.   I asked myself if I still loved you, and if I was just bored, scared or was I feeling any pain?

I wondered how you would feel if you knew that when he made love to me that first time I orgasmed, more than once.  How he would trace my body with his fingertips until I had to have more. I hungered for his touch, how hard he would get at the sight of me. How we would fuck like we couldn’t get enough of each other……  I questioned if you would be hurt, knowing that your wife, because that’s what I was, could feel this way with another.

What a wicked game to play……..that song plays in my head, as we sign off on our agreement to part.  Can you hear it?

I remember everything we did together, and our love was so unconditional, or so I thought.  But soon reality came knocking on our door.

I wanted to ask you if you loved her.  Was their passion? I wanted to know if there was passion and pleasure with her, that I was no longer enough. I even asked you if you still loved me, and your answer was yes.

Yes?  Am I naïve? Was I being too romantic and unrealistic? How can you or I love one person but have passionate sex with another? I had to come to terms with all of this and move forward.  I had to become someone else and stare reality in the face.  I had to feel the pain of losing us.  How did you feel?

How did you feel?  Can you answer that question?  Can I?

It’s been said that some men can love more than one woman and have sex with another woman without remorse. If a man can love more than one woman why not a woman loving more than one man?  It’s also been said that some women can only love one man while other women can have sex with others without remorse.…… I loved you and only you…… I learned to love him…. No need to be jealous I said to myself. Are you?

So, I ask…… why are you here?  Why am I here?